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(618): I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.

(417): For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?

(650): FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza

(650): I regret 8000% nothing

(864): Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.

(330): After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.

(774): Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...

(313): Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.

(313): That's dedication to the game.

(206): Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.

(919): I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.

(219): I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.

(815): I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.

(406): Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.

(903): His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.

(603): and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.

(516): you're hired as official boob wrangler