(510): He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.


(608): How do u even exfoliate your vagina

(989): I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick

(970): You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.

(615): Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?

(734): I can't adult today.

(601): Take a nap and try again

(734): I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.

(678): Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.

(678): I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.

(925): dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup

(585): I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?

(508): The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.

(417): Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?

(337): Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.

(647): My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.