(434): I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night

(434): then apparently I went "not bad" and continued

(+44): We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!

(619): Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.

(313): We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to

(425): You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.

(614): So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?

(832): I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand

(856): Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.

(902): Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party

(630): like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.

(785): There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.

(207): But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!

(530): im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.

(971): I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.

(509): you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left

(971): goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan

(412): I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.