(602): This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.

(702): Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan

(503): If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.

(760): Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped

(414): Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes

(586): He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.

(586): Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?

(601): Sext me about skeletons

(715): One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work

(224): Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.

(918): Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?

(208): The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO

(406): But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers

(419): He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.

(803): So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?