(618): We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.

(518): Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok

(904): That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.

(416): You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on

(717): I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...

(206): I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works

(916): I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday

(919): I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock

(217): But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.

(860): I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day

(248): I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.

(310): I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.

(309): I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole

(847): What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma

(503): I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.