(330): she's p upset bro

(1-330): Where is he. I have a sword.

(801): Come camping we have xanax and steaks

(850): With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something

(508): Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom

(416): It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.

(412): Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.

(303): There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.

(443): Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.

(314): You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed

(903): Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.

(775): Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!

(928): Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?

(509): I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.

(519): Gay?

(226): German.

(519): Pity.

(585): I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.