(989): She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.

(530): Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.

(724): A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"

(561): I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will

(503): I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.

(413): We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.

(561): Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.

(605): Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out

(413): Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.

(510): I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.

(336): My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.

(905): Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?

(206): She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.

(304): Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?

(410): I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.