Submit

(319): I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.

(613): I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!

(518): I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP

(448): sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth

(765): you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there

(204): There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"

(631): Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis

(859): My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?

(518): ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens

(435): I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.

(570): we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking

(317): IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.

(709): 11/10 would buy him a McLobster

(203): We can get drunk and battle coyotes

(816): Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.