(607): I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
(715): I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
(908): you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
(518): Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
(602): You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
(404): I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
(517): Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
(616): Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
(713): This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
(702): Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
(706): I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
(858): He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
(858): Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.