(678): Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.

(456): ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.

(345): I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for

(+44): I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.

(479): I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful

(505): The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons

(740): almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.

(608): He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!

(732): I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone

(248): I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard

(708): honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month

(815): not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story

(717): Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.

(267): just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall

(321): Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.

(909): WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.