(520): I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
(561): If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
(301): You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
(423): Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
(210): The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
(816): The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
(307): Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
(813): Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
(301): I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
(918): Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
(530): Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
(415): You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.