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(248): Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits

(732): I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I

(503): Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.

(270): The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life

(618): I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.

(804): Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....

(810): Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.

(810): I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.

(423): How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.

(+44): Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.

(818): I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian

(318): I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out

(915): She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.

(530): What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.

(289): I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground