(774): Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
(646): when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
(812): I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
(817): It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
(224): how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
(701): I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
(215): I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
(504): Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
(847): "I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
(260): He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
(330): Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text