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(727): Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.

(813): Where were you?

(727): Laughing

(939): Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?

(706): It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table

(847): I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.

(206): Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge

(615): "Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly

(978): i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw

(323): He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him

(702): Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.

(540): The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks

(927): Today, my weed came in a pok├ęball. I officially love my dealer.

(904): And my parents said I crawled through the house

(647): Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.

(273): Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure

(218): Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs