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(203): the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.

(519): Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.

(727): I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.

(606): Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.

(872): i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.

(572): party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time

(801): My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"

(408): I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.

(217): I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?

(586): Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.

(910): I'm getting married

(910): To pizza

(732): I can still taste the J├Ąger. I'm gonna shoot myself.

(707): Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?

(817): We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.

(540): LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.