(214): he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
(714): Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
(860): I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
(716): We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
(434): It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
(248): Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
(706): The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
(713): I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
(408): You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
(970): Did we have sex last night?
(317): No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
(714): Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
(585): well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.