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(203): don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling

(606): I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.

(512): Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there

(678): How'd your Tinder date go?

(931): Well, I met his girlfriend...

(304): You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.

(323): The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.

(404): Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.

(949): Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...

(972): I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened

(781): how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?

(315): There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved

(704): No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out

(973): Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.

(403): Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.

(914): Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?