(203): don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
(512): Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
(304): You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
(323): The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
(404): Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
(949): Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
(972): I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
(781): how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
(315): There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
(973): Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.