(603): Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall

(775): His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic

(856): He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad

(786): Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole

(239): Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?

(217): Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown

(217): And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing

(224): The UTI came back with a vengeance.

(213): I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.

(727): You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.

(904): Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.

(918): If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it

(517): Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?

(610): I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.

(217): Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara

(479): My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth