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(310): Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.

(678): He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.

(720): I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.

(563): How is that low? I love carrots.

(805): Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.

(805): My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.

(682): You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...

(707): I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.

(207): I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.

(703): Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns

(512): And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...

(604): We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.

(585): He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.

(917): My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche

(774): who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly

(413): seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter

(484): Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?

(516): Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?