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(214): he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been

(709): Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?

(714): Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!

(860): I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.

(716): We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.

(434): It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.

(248): Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window

(706): The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay

(713): I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are

(408): You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night

(+44): It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle

(970): Did we have sex last night?

(317): No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.

(714): Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power

(585): well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.

(518): YO. MCGRIDDLES.