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(774): Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.

(646): when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone

(813): Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids

(720): But truly, sorry about your empty vagina

(1-720): Thanks boo.

(812): I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.

(817): It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.

(808): I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish

(224): how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.

(701): I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"

(215): I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.

(504): Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?

(847): "I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting

(260): He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.

(330): Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text

(210): His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.