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(520): I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.

(561): If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes

(301): You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks

(423): Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.

(210): The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.

(816): The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.

(330): Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.

(307): Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.

(813): Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg

(301): I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.

(918): Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?

(530): Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off

(608): His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.

(415): You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.

(270): I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt