(410): he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped

(513): I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.

(256): You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.

(608): Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.

(248): You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno

(757): I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.

(360): I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000

(610): Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit

(304): I would do everything over again, except the fireball.

(+44): Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.

(306): I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.

(256): I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.

(214): Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?

(732): i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.

(718): Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.