(617): At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.

(617): I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object

(818): With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.

(607): In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.

(520): No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.

(901): I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.

(226): We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.

(248): We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.

(550): She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?

(518): He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him

(231): Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.

(850): high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana

(240): Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.

(818): Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.

(304): You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)