Submit

OneSxyBch4You's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(850): Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.

(765): Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well

(954): Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away

(519): Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?

(217): Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?

(301): You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.

(217): He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.

(919): She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.

(430): we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'

(210): If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

(949): My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.

(913): He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

(605): you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

(650): an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

(267): I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot

(647): you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'

(903): I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house

(817): Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.

(289): Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about

(765): We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships

(717): I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing

(304): I would do everything over again, except the fireball.

(763): I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.

(+35): I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.

(618): I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.

(708): Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life

(404): I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.

(360): Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.

(773): I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.

(+44): You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.

(785): It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.

(301): A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting

(757): My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's

(708): Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.

(585): My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die

(217): Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?

(716): Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"

(704): no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.

(901): I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.

(740): See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want

(224): Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis

(248): Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied

(210): If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.

(505): I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.

(720): Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.

(706): Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.

(416): 5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt

(315): We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?

(484): Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.

(603): I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday

(989): I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?

(928): I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.

(616): He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.

(703): YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE

(773): Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.

(585): this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile

(212): We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?

(+44): I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes

(815): I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.

(603): I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.

(603): Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny

(603): where will you be at 9:30 tonight?

(1-603): piledriving you in your roommate's bed?

(307): I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.

(303): That's all I've ever wanted.

(904): What are you doing tonight?

(847): Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.

(908): He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?

(714): Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?

(516): I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook

(508): Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on

(760): I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.

(413): Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

(217): I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.

(917): I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat

(480): Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!

(580): Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes

(586): Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.

(+44): My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls

(812): Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.

(616): So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

(203): nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body

(508): how many servings is brandon's dick?

(717): He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.

(562): That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel

(859): Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."

(773): you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.

(386): I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore

(314): When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

(502): Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again

(330): I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.

(716): Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked

(360): There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.

(262): You can wear anything you want

(704): So... Naked it is then

(602): WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.

(+70): I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship

(724): My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.

(1-724): I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it

(480): Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

(614): You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water

(339): I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?

(201): i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.

(330): I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.

(732): found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year

(856): Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.

(240): That's going to be the title of my memoir.

(937): I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine

(214): Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.

(773): I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.

(414): it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship

(415): I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?

(304): He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.

(330): My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?

(315): she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore

(603): You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.

(407): Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation

(517): Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.

(+66): The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"

(701): no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know

(214): I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.

(619): I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.

(313): I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.

(818): You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance

(309): I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.

(714): someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.

(717): IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS

(479): Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless

(330): Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.

(440): Did you offer her some?

(330): If only. Current status: Not that clever.

(318): Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.

(630): Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"

(440): She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot

(404): I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!

(503): It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.

(804): Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?

(864): There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.

(386): When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".

(951): What's dad's email?

(1-951): askmom@cause.idk

(973): Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.

(212): Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?

(774): I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.

(402): I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking

(484): I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone

(416): Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam

(702): God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees

(+81): And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.

(732): didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.

(586): I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...

(501): If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.

(902): It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.

(617): Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.

(305): I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us

(508): I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication

(425): Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.

(330): you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall

(317): it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.

(734): she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.

(256): I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.

(802): Can you bring me the toilet please

(805): I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency

(843): Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling

(505): Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."

(260): Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.

(214): Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.

(419): Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited

(864): Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.

(518): I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate

(850): Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.

(306): fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.

(678): You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.

(404): I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins

(602): You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?

(505): ...it's a 9am class...

(416): He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.

(214): Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.

(530): Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.

(520): That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.

(217): I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card

(212): He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?

(859): I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...

(781): Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf

(518): The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing

(615): Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine

(803): If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?

(630): Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.

(215): Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.

(518): Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious

(267): I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?

(248): Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...

(712): I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.

(402): I'm honored.

(250): We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.

(619): my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.

(704): I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.

(636): Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.

(480): This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.

(902): He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"

(772): Are you proud of yourself?

(407): ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.

(256): But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.

(425): He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?

(347): I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.

(919): That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later

(425): So what are you going to be for halloween?

(503): A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.

(602): I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights

(860): I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.

(256): Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.

(647): The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am

(860): I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.

(225): I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life

(502): My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...

(320): I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."

(260): The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.

(314): What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!

(260): Americans.

(440): The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.

(616): EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD

(760): This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful

(717): wanna come over? I have movies.

(814): sure, what movies

(717): porn or disney, your choice

(856): Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won

(306): apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample

(832): No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.

(315): You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?

(817): He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

(918): It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.

(847): I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

(912): I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong

(405): I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found

(216): then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value

(+61): Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.

(602): I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.

(480): You are both horrible and amazing

(502): How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule

(314): Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.

(775): This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.

(917): I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.

(978): Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales

(313): Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here

(702): Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.

(419): I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

(519): If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws

(918): I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.

(810): I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.

(925): Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex

(609): Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant

(+61): There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.

(440): Made up a full house drinking game

(216): On my way.

(701): I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.

(715): THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER

(816): well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me

(619): You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch

(1-619): Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.

(619): Love you...

(815): Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport

(602): My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this

(248): Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.

(306): because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.

(203): Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do

(561): Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit

(860): Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong

(1-860): It's 4 in the afternoon........

(920): I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me

(847): Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?

(720): Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet

(801): What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?

(501): It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks

(440): Since when do you jog?

(1-440): Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs

(210): I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.

(774): I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining

(508): I think that would solve a million problems

(623): It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.

(919): I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.

(651): YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER

(727): How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?

(732): I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?

(714): Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

(305): Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!

(407): Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart

(315): not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.

(717): "Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?

(502): Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"

(989): Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum

(610): I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans

(610): Shit is preposterous

(908): I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.

(305): I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.

(203): I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.

(213): Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.

(334): Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?

(334): Oh we're gynecologists

(254): Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.

(404): Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps

(585): You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start

(585): Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...

(443): I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".

(402): Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag

(203): By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"

(203): So thanks for that

(561): The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way

(717): There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.

(732): I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.

(925): Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.

(256): Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.

(203): I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.

(713): So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.

(936): I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.

(269): Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business

(270): How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?

(917): I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning

(1-917): I love you more by the minute

(813): that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

(802): When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?

(321): Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!

(+27): This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.

(480): This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.

(314): I am not getting you a goat.

(479): Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.

(585): Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit

(734): You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.

(412): can i bring anything?

(443): Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer

(412): is there a theme i should know about?

(281): There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.

(404): Gross! What the hell is that?!?

(623): It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.

(240): How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat

(607): My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

(704): They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

(248): New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

(602): I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

(613): You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.

(775): Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.

(602): I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.

(425): Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household

(405): Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.

(480): He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.

(805): It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs

(208): Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.

(631): He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.

(714): Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life

(714): It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me

(729): Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.

(506): Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.

(613): That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.

(269): Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."

(978): I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(

(1-978): I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars

(978): Or a taco

(309): Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!

(415): If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning

(616): Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5

(931): All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .

(410): Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.

(443): Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.

(270): Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?

(716): BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.

(262): Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.

(914): I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad

(540): Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.

(517): When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!

(306): "Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...

(507): So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles

(360): Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up

(602): Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.

(212): Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato

(971): Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"

(865): I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.

(831): I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.

(864): Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.

(+44): no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.

(720): In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.

(217): He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "

(484): True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.

(315): It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.

(410): She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.

(989): We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.

(587): I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.

(617): I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day

(+44): New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.

(325): But how do I turn off the feelings though?

(432): Vodka.

(906): He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"

(678): I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'

(309): I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u

(815): U act like I can cum on command

(940): I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.

(682): Only you could get away with that.

(386): I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks

(419): Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.

(203): Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.

(814): You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.

(616): in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.

(305): I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.

(256): I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen

(678): I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.

(702): I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.

(571): My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it

(734): I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.

(313): This was the best text I've ever woken up to

(951): Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...

(317): What's your ideal size in a man?

(765): I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......

(425): Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people

(623): I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?

(678): Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.

(919): Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention

(843): when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

(925): Drunk texting is the poetry of my life

(319): She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad

(601): I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.

(716): Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.

(269): That should be the title of my autobiography.

(317): I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.

(573): Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..

(936): I AM VODKA MAN

(309): QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY

(908): the liver wants what the liver wants

(631): if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.

(+61): You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.

(307): She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.

(248): I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.

(909): If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.

(774): He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that

(339): I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.

(651): Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?

(773): He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work

(440): Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...

(574): LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY

(423): God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.

(901): She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.

(269): I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.

(404): I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.

(910): That's what you say about everyone.

(619): I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.

(720): I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.

(231): Is this a drinking picnic?

(701): Is there another kind?

(314): So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.

(724): He stood me up.

(724): I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.

(347): Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries

(419): I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day

(505): I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.

(903): You're a waste of cheezeits

(337): I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.

(507): Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it

(406): After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.

(928): Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.

(778): I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job

(339): I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo

(781): I'm cool with that

(425): Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.

(706): All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.

(914): DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD

(215): What did he say?

(267): NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!

(403): I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.

(229): I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff

(905): thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin

(202): Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.

(646): classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable

(908): Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.

(812): Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.

(408): My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.

(224): We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.

(908): I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.

(732): seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.

(908): This is why you are not allowed out in public.

(407): At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now

(619): She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.

(618): She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....

(570): WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED

(617): DC is easy, you will figure it out.

(508): I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.

(561): You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.

(425): I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday

(505): Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.

(734): You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.

(412): I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.

(405): Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?

(215): Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now

(541): And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.

(831): ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.

(425): I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.

(+44): If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.

(202): I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.

(312): So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short

(+44): are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?

(425): I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.

(720): Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.

(303): This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.

(714): I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina

(309): Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.

(716): YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!

(303): Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"

(407): He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas

(616): We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?

(609): Helmets.

(573): Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?

(816): Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.

(251): You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.

(323): In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.

(707): Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.

(707): And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.

(847): I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?

(815): Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?

(918): IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

(508): Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do

(402): 50% drunk capacity currently

(314): Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.

(226): No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time

(202): No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.

(847): I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.

(317): I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?

(413): Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion

(303): Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?

(404): Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.

(203): I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts

(951): I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home

(407): I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes

(440): The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore

(561): Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.

(765): We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.

(740): I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..

(315): In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me

(515): When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?

(309): trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit

(719): I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms

(918): My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.

(320): My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.

(330): MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(216): I'll be there in 20 with vodka.

(216): I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.

(334): As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.

(513): Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.

(712): I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.

(801): I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.

(615): Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.

(702): we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night

(860): Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.

(201): Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

(202): That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

(903): I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong

(216): Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.

(440): Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.

(647): Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward

(606): Does the room smell any better?

(859): Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.

(978): Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad

(781): We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.

(651): ...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"

(913): Don't make emojis simulating eating me out

(801): You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.

(860): I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump

(954): My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.

(812): I fill condoms, not promises.

(610): she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.

(410): Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.

(304): Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.

(206): Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me

(931): I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment

(847): Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday

(617): I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."

(817): I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.

(317): Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.

(219): about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?

(219): yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?

(650): my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp

(519): Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

(918): I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home

(858): Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

(318): A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

(708): Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.

(860): You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face

(916): Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up

(763): Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot

(913): I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.

(770): I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores

(717): This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"

(515): I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.

(571): Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter

(856): I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.

(913): If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.

(403): I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"

(085): I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper

(610): All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur

(301): Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities

(630): Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.

(+44): I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...

(917): I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food

(971): no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"

(206): As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

(425): I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.

(843): I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.

(330): listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.

(904): im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.

(515): After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm

(425): I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you

(928): You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions

(1-928): Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.

(416): feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?

(757): It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage

(306): I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself

(1-306): You mean maximum 5?

(512): Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.

(404): Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.

(704): All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..

(202): She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.

(440): I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!

(850): These people don't understand my stages of drunk

(618): Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award

(586): He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.

(248): Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.

(601): I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.

(1918): If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.

(213): 2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.

(772): He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina

(319): You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture

(775): Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.

(573): It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.

(425): I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.

(570): Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle

(612): We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.

(502): Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

(704): She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words

(727): I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.

(603): Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.

(908): My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night

(212): Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate

(757): You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good

(312): I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.

(540): By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.

(+44): Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.

(425): 'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.

(901): I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.

(901): But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.

(713): It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.

(270): He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.

(636): They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.

(256): Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.

(258): I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state

(863): If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.

(425): My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer

(469): I'm going through a really dark time right now

(214): I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up

(248): It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.

(213): Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!

(313): Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity

(770): Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.

(585): this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field

(303): I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper

(734): all my money is vodka money

(1-734): I have never read a truer sentence.

(920): I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..

(517): There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE

(307): I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.

(936): Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.

(520): We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.

(401): Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?

(203): Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): My god, what have you done?

(609): I thought you wanted to talk?

(908): What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?

(916): Are you setting a date to bone me?

(530): Are you accepting?

(802): I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich

(650): Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?

(916): She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!

(309): I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.

(202): I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?

(508): Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"

(480): There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....

(231): You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really

(770): Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week

(360): I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

(1-360): It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

(386): In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.

(214): We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.

(813): So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.

(435): Thanks for fucking me in last night

(435): TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT

(906): We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

(228): I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life

(713): So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".

(520): my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl

(240): The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.

(301): Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.

(269): 1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

(269): 7) Noodle arms: engage

(269): The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

(307): There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one

(610): I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white

(586): Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work

(972): It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.

(310): I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.

(360): I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.

(1-360): I think that's justified.

(720): Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.

(509): If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die

(550): I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.

(703): The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo

(901): Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.

(337): why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.

(904): Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

(520): Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!

(226): We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.

(956): I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.

(828): Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.

(803): Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?

(803): I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.

(859): Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?

(316): I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.

(202): All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it

(405): woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo

(919): Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.

(719): These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69

(610): Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident

(306): I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.

(307): WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.

(616): My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"

(1-616): I think you were raised by the wrong sister

(608): You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.

(813): It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball

(812): Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house

(517): I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.

(404): i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.

(912): I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision

(417): I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again

(1-417): I will be over with a bedpan and beer

(717): You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.

(304): omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.

(304): It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."

(623): It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station

(970): I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life

(780): Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?

(775): Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost

(630): Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk

(617): somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.

(516): Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle

(517): Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?

(248): Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.

(989): She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.

(701): Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'

(701): That's true love, there.

(902): I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.

(805): It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

(815): We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.

(330): If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs

(310): thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.

(423): You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels

(503): This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."

(1-541): Finding that toy duck there was weird right?

(727): You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know

(905): To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town

(512): Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you

(309): Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?

(562): Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.

(334): this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him

(902): This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

(315): I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..

(360): I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.

(503): You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.

(508): New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level

(312): If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.

(310): Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year

(802): "I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..

(908): When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"

(615): Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming

(614): I was convinced to buy a man thong.

(614): But it's Armani so it's okay.

(614): God I just out gayed myself.

(208): Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet

(817): My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person

(787): It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.

(859): I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.

(850): I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up

(+44): Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

(321): Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?

(610): The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar

(614): Challenge accepted

(828): I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone

(757): Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"

(505): Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.

(520): Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman

(410): There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.

(412): My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.

(215): There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

(732): I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me

(240): I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob

(319): "Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.

(206): In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.

(479): They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.

(719): I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!

(304): I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.

(815): When did angry sex become our thing?

(951): Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.

(575): Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.

(703): I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...

(610): I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

(530): I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.

(912): We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us

(212): At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for

(706): Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this

(269): Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...

(970): I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have

(815): I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now

(724): I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.

(734): I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head

(626): I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?

(608): In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover

(616): time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

(1-616): we need a secret handshake

(530): I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me

(910): Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.

(613): hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.

(352): a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.

(859): Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.

(510): Found an old burrito under my bed

(415): You are a sick fuck

(214): True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like

(972): Why do you text me weird shit like this?

(914): Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.

(815): And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily

(706): From one hot mess to another... Get it together.

(298): The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

(202): Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.

(202): Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."

(424): The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

(309): Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".

(425): This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed

(334): FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

(229): Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.

(301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): Get out now.

(919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

(256): I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.

(248): My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.

(740): I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..

(650): I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

(315): Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?

(603): I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.

(831): think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.

(719): My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.

(1-719): Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!

(734): If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.

(906): does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?

(603): 100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm

(203): I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me

(916): I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.

(831): Promise??

(203): Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.

(787): Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.

(401): I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

(423): I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.

(519): I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy

(573): Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.

(717): im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt

(219): Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon

(610): Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.

(908): Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza

(617): We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.

(503): I like the wholesome side of you

(571): I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

(205): No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.

(1-205): Can I get that on a shirt

(802): just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): was it you?

(802): ...yes

(519): People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

(606): Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any

(248): They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients

(323): Put some vodka in it

(424): Its 7am

(323): put some vodka in it

(847): I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.

(505): She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.

(1-506): Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.

(618): Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with

(812): I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.

(610): Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.

(919): Thats Poetry

(816): Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7

(336): Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question

(717): C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not

(928): It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

(706): He could stay over, if you'd just ask.

(912): Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"

(706): Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.

(443): You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.

(231): Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.

(551): No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.

(814): Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road

(614): I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.

(918): I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care

(937): I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me

(937): And I also said, "probe me"

(919): Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.

(617): The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.

(1-617): Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.

(907): Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent

(805): I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka

(714): I could

(909): is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.

(931): Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril

(973): do you want to shower with me?

(215): only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower

(780): Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

(805): Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.

(305): We have so much sex to catch up on

(313): You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

(970): I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.

(720): I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is

(910): You left wolverine marks

(1-910): I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

(406): Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.

(541): I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.

(218): I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...

(815): I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.

(602): After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.

(240): Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?

(541): I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.

(562): When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.

(313): Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.

(404): Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more

(515): You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.

(1-515): Any good?

(515): Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point

(214): We can put you in charge of something

(1-214): I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous

(413): weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"

(416): okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.

(647): Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.

(208): Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.

(703): Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.

(585): A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment

(628): Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.

(727): It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.

(505): She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

(404): I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.

(678): Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.

(917): Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms

(337): he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.

(775): You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home

(605): The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

(515): My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.

(631): I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever

(408): Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

(408): Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

(1-408): I approve this so hard.

(618): Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

(601): She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something

(816): God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.

(435): Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids

(512): There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

(815): Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"

(307): I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

(814): For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.

(406): I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.

(240): I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.

(646): Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities

(978): The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years

(903): Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.

(760): I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.

(850): You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.

(678): I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.

(617): How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?

(412): I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left

(415): Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.

(325): So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.

(707): Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer

(203): I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie

(412): wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.

(+61): I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.

(716): That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information

(360): Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.

(971): Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??

(818): Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."

(615): I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.

(615): Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.

(615): And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass

(443): You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober

(312): Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit

(516): Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

(703): Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow

(703): I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five

(636): Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

(540): You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

(309): I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.

(479): Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.

(940): I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.

(254): It's 2 pm....

(619): Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?

(714): Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

(336): I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass

(701): This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth

(561): Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.

(229): You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name

(814): i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise

(614): Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.

(801): Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.

(330): And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain

(330): Marry him now.

(507): I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink

(815): I care about my drink far more than her feelings

(509): I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'

(570): I have major gossip for you.

(1-570): Oh no, did you have sex last night?

(570): If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.

(709): its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless

(912): Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.

(314): your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.

(412): 8===D

(412): That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

(858): CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!

(937): Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life

(546): As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.

(408): I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"

(817): I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"

(502): Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.

(514): It's a drunk scavenger hunt.

(514): Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.

(319): ...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

(647): I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.

(309): Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?

(217): I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits

(314): I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.

(1-314): Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.

(608): You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"

(1-608): I like taco bell too

(404): Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!

(518): Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.

(917): Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.

(757): It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.

(574): No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you

(816): Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.

(801): You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.

(815): This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me

(207): I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...

(512): Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

(415): I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.

(937): whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had

(209): Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!

(724): So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think

(705): All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder

(907): It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.

(605): If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.

(510): It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.

(+61): I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while

(610): THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER

(1-610): I'm officially in the Christmas spirit

(303): I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."

(774): I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus

(509): Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

(321): Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.

(908): ....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.

(256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

(360): He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

(303): I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

(317): SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.

(215): I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.

(940): I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.

(607): I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.

(203): At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"

(501): My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

(269): I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.

(573): Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.

(360): I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

(908): I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk

(404): I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...

(403): that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up

(404): I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave

(251): You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.

(202): What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?

(614): Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other

(916): I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka

(404): It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!

(208): He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

(309): It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.

(252): I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.

(334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

(816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

(619): Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.

(619): I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.

(713): WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!

(416): She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"

(1-416): You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?

(813): It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.

(315): That's the best compliment I have ever received.

(434): Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning

(516): Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA

(914): I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.

(330): She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?

(330): Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.

(530): .......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.

(801): When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.

(406): I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive

(312): This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her

(256): I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."

(925): I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.

(952): You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.

(334): My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

(814): He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.

(917): When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork

(678): He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!

(303): I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"

(720): when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".

(835): You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"

(610): You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.

(785): I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.

(763): FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.

(267): All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina

(614): Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today

(617): i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."

(630): That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.

(817): You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.

(857): It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.

(906): Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.

(607): I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.

(847): Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.

(504): My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!

(812): My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.

(513): Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

(202): Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

(1-202): Outside

(484): He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.

(225): I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.

(973): I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?

(319): That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

(+27): Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast

(479): The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

(479): Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

(1-479): This is why I married you.

(215): I'm just crazy horny about you

(910): They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.

(619): I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.

(775): I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms

(905): Drinking loves me for WHO I am

(321): When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.

(301): The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

(217): You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese

(270): You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.

(817): I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'

(832): He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.

(415): It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.

(775): Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy

(425): I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge

(218): His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.

(614): your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night

(540): The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.

(614): It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover

(561): I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point

(515): I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month

(870): She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?

(812): Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.

(360): I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.

(707): He better not be in your backpack

(914): It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you

(250): You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.

(317): He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it

(785): I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.

(202): I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.

(262): In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

(479): I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.

(917): This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?

(916): Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.

(724): Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in

(514): So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

(281): Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

(228): We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

(913): "Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.

(631): Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?

(401): you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying

(330): Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.

(215): He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"

(505): We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.

(907): You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.

(1-907): That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.

(513): And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.

(207): I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.

(843): They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?

(925): I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission

(925): Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol

(303): Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

(910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

(479): I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!

(973): Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

(614): You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore

(778): Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers

(501): The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.

(903): I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.

(616): We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.

(+44): My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??

(765): Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.

(406): I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!

(651): drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna

(613): Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.

(250): I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

(530): Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me

(425): Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.

(612): I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche

(250): Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.

(1-250): We are the best.

(250): Ps. We need to take the garbage out.

(209): I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

(724): who dressed up as a cop at your party???

(1-724): idk I have to check. Why?

(724): he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

(610): There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"

(740): Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.

(216): Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day

(302): I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight

(718): She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

(314): He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl

(201): I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl

(412): The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!

(908): And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned

(407): More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out

(701): When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day

(202): Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?

(315): Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.

(813): Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.

(660): People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

(952): You went home with a man in a loincloth

(914): I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???

(727): She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.

(612): He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

(937): I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

(937): I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

(817): Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.

(813): Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.

(509): Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...

(918): I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.

(303): Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.

(757): I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.

(559): I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.

(870): I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster

(406): There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.

(909): I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...

(407): When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

(740): I have a surprise for you guys

(937): What is it?

(740): A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

(302): Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains

(971): you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

(406): I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.

(1-406): You're so romantic.

(703): Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money

(314): How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.

(660): I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.

(501): I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.

(904): The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.

(479): Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?

(904): Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.

(1-904): I told you to check, dude

(904): Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.

(615): On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless

(812): Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

(513): Post that event on your timeline

(717): He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

(1-717): 10 points to you

(406): Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

(708): Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

(1-708): Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

(207): Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow

(610): I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?

(740): I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

(418): I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

(337): Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

(610): I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.

(563): The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.

(1-563): I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.

(970): The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful

(907): You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog

(513): I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives

(516): I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget

(314): I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.

(214): Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.

(805): I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

(219): he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off

(724): Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me

(1-724): He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.

(540): I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

(604): I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

(520): i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.

(907): the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

(812): I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.

(215): she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.

(415): White people are beatboxing! Save me.

(+61): As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts

(469): I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5

(903): He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.

(618): He's going to be my graduation present to myself.

(303): His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it

(605): Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.

(216): I feel like you just railed me after that sext

(775): My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case

(404): Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

(814): The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.

(601): I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season

(312): Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.

(303): I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind

(304): When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.

(606): Fuck him.

(508): I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?

(910): Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...

(724): GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

(518): Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.

(570): Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?

(513): She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.

(315): We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

(717): I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

(850): Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.

(315): It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.

(215): It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.

(814): My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

(601): You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.

(1-601): Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?

(904): You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

(215): You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have

(412): i have an important question...can you drink in jail?

(907): I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.

(859): The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

(304): I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.

(303): Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.

(720): I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.

(802): You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers

(651): Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever

(540): Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".

(413): Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.

(575): Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.

(216): I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.

(310): I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.

(615): The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one

(301): This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday

(904): You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"

(514): Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.

(954): aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection

(306): whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

(+61): I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

(412): I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.

(612): 4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.

(610): I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes

(281): Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.

(360): Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...

(253): He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.

(239): Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.

(610): And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.

(425): The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.

(317): When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

(515): Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.

(618): I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

(336): It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?

(954): tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

(404): On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse

(631): Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.

(570): After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

(479): Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.

(615): Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..

(253): Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.

(616): I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears

(913): Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.

(250): IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

(812): Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

(520): Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.

(570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

(819): I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

(603): Why do you think she gets more guys?

(1-603): well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that

(201): So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers

(571): Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero

(704): He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...

(907): Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.

(281): No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower

(1-281): This could be the definition of living by yourself

(902): This is why Helen Keller didn't drink

(931): did i really sing to your nipples last night?

(731): yes. and it was oddly very seductive

(215): If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed

(832): Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.

(724): i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.

(512): Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

(1-512): Did she say Ok?

(910): Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.

(724): The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

(427): Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.

(318): Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

(614): The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body

(541): I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.

(724): I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.

(651): I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.

(954): 8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

(847): Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.

(613): She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!

(312): I cannot FaceTime with your penis

(920): Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.

(703): The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am

(845): I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30

(319): Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question

(585): Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): How high are you?

(816): Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.

(765): Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?

(774): I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

(970): I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

(248): We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.

(781): Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?

(336): Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

(303): Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

(908): And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.

(563): My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.

(1-563): I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.

(617): We don't really communicate like that.

(781): Communicate like what?

(617): Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

(319): Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here

(310): I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

(224): Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.

(215): Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me

(610): Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.

(778): he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

(604): wow. THAT good huh

(334): She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper

(205): Restraining order pending?

(817): Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

(352): Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver

(916): The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.

(412): You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

(650): Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.

(412): its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more

(626): Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy

(219): I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now

(843): I need to hump something and I know u understand.

(631): She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

(703): Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out

(405): Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.

(717): Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.

(323): Your cock deserves a montage

(215): Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon

(845): You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing

(702): Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): Yeah, but four times?

(519): and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

(847): Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.

(916): day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

(502): Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.

(312): You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

(765): you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it

(239): COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING

(646):

(239): Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?

(602): All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.

(203): How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.

(757): She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.

(917): idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now

(316): You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.

(+44): it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

(816): Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.

(425): i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me

(310): You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.

(915): Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired

(414): I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina

(775): Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha

(630): I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.

(970): I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse

(304): I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale

(817): I think that's mostly how we became friends.

(1-817): Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.

(317): Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke

(734): So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.

(636): A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week

(740): We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.

(802): I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.

(647): You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics

(912): I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.

(603): Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.

(412): The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive

(201): Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?

(718): See you tonight.

(586): I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.

(231): FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

(812): I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.

(530): Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.

(630): Congratulations on your lack of fetus.

(707): nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.

(502): I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.

(765): According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.

(913): He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"

(865): I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend

(720): By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.

(972): He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.

(314): And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

(360): that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

(250): WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.

(775): At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.

(920): Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

(386): i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

(219): Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

(859): While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

(231): if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid

(306): I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today

(408): Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): Last one there wins

(+44): my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

(717): It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward

(702): Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.

(214): Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy

(614): Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.

(502): You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.

(703): I asked her politely not to touch my dick

(203): Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.

(845): You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey

(850): Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

(918): That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

(425): I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.

(631): I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

(515): Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.

(808): I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?

(845): I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting

(517): it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles

(970): Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.

(330): You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

(330): This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

(407): I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.

(646): LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES

(315): i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy

(602): They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.

(260): And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina

(863): I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.

(978): Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

(660): The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.

(217): I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina

(336): I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.

(412): It's gameday bitch. Man up.

(248): When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?

(423): can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today

(920): if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay

(570): Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos

(719): I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear

(336): I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.

(269): We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.

(505): He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

(229): Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

(541): They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.

(215): It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

(909): I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.

(562): cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

(443): I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

(850): She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

(248): The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk

(251): How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

(215): trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday

(931): I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.

(519): you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"

(1-519): no way

(519): that's when i decided you were gonna be okay

(631): Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.

(386): I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes

(803): I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.

(501): I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.

(508): I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.

(603): From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".

(540): margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..

(310): I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable

(617): Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.

(303): She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.

(201): Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"

(913): He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.

(440): It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina

(817): I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?

(580): The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.

(479): Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

(215): I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour

(308): So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?

(407): If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.

(313): So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

(248): He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.

(443): me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take

(901): I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

(330): All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.

(212): She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

(585): Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.

(602): It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.

(701): He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment

(516): Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future

(541): Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

(847): When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.

(+44): She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen

(978): My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.

(831): I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.

(479): What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.

(216): It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.

(716): She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever

(503): Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.

(205): All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.

(773): Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.

(610): i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed

(325): I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.

(309): Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.

(+61): I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.

(810): He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.

(201): I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th

(302): Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude

(416): Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.

(817): Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!

(847): I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.

(506): my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

(814): Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol

(516): Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.

(608): She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour

(208): Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.

(516): You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.

(978): Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV

(575): It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

(631): I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"

(423): The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.

(510): Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.

(703): I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is

(682): Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"

(215): So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

(240): Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire

(208): Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.

(303): You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.

(303): Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

(407): And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.

(305): Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"

(585): javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks

(501): I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.

(917): Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.

(410): you texted me "dude im face"

(301): it sounded so right at the time

(734): I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things

(440): I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection

(772): When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.

(847): I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"