(805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): budget cuts

(805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): budget cuts are serious business

(661): Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

(715): I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

(651): Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

(727): He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.

(860): Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

(805): So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): Sweet. Did I win?

(805): Youre hungover arent you?

(704): Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

(517): winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.

(615): I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.

(419): we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

(320): I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

(832): I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): Totally acceptable.

(252): She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.

(310): True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?

(270): My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"

(212): how are things with the new girl?

(917): good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

(954): damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian

(714): Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

(415): my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

(704): Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.

(585): Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together

(310): Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): That's two questions.

(801): Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.

(310): Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12

(573): Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

(330): I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

(216): this is the second day in a row.

(330): Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

(630): They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...

(610): the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): did she buy you pizza?

(419): The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever

(678): Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): Things like this can't be explained over text man

(432): she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

(248): Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.

(262): Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.

(775): He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

(1-775): Fuck he won the bet

(567): i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

(484): I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

(507): Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?

(248): No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

(919): she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

(401): You're just horny.

(1-401): Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

(302): She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

(607): Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.

(407): She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy

(317): I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

(267): Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

(724): Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

(775): She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

(832): You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

(678): This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

(814): This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

(914): He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.

(812): I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.

(402): What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?

(563): I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.

(336): I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

(712): Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision

(604): i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

(715): I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

(519): I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

(850): I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad

(519): we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning