(918): Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!

(336): Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned

(508): Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.

(724): I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.

(848): Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.

(360): Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.

(360): DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

(519): He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.

(260): Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

(978): Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.

(419): i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid

(571): I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.

(860): He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis

(514): So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.

(860): You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs

(313): Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.

(415): She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

(978): If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.

(419): Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"

(734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

(734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): what was she crying about?

(734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

(773): I think I sprained my soul last night

(+44): Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

(317): I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

(330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

(443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart