(773): Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.

(443): Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

(410): The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

(724): I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.

(360): do we own a ladder

(206): We do not.

(360): then how am i on the roof

(304): i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

(301): just fucking run.

(206): But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

(614): The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

(616): EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

(817): Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

(+61): It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.

(845): I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.

(281): To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.

(949): Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.

(562): The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me

(731): He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.

(404): Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka