cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I see more hoeing in ur future
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