Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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