I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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