I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
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I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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